5 Times Melbourne Hipster Cafes Went Too Far

words by niall roeder

Hipsters, with their lumberjack beards, fixxy bikes, soft spot for craft beverages and reading glasses that aren’t for reading. They aren’t afraid to roll their slacks well above their ankles and more often than not they have a penchant for old-timey things carved by hand.

Of course, this is a generalisation, and a damn fine one at that. However, while we’re tarring a group of scarf-wearing people with the same bespoke brush, we might as well agree that hipsters seem to be big fans of out-there culinary concepts, that to the non-hip eye, seem downright ludicrous.

Melbourne – Australia’s Portland and the spiritual home of the Oceanian hipster – is all about cafe culture. And Melbourne hipster cafes have a habit of strutting from the interesting into the curious and ending up in the absurd when it comes to new menu items.

We look at 5 times when Melbourne cafes were too hipster for their own good.

Deconstructed Coffee

Hipsters love reviving outdated accessories, like cut-throat shavers, record players, film cameras and typewriters.  And they do have a point – there is something nice and nostalgic about old school things. However, sometimes it is pushed too far.

The “Deconstructed Coffee”, served in three separate beakers on a wooden paddle, is one of those times. The inventors claim this science experiment-esque cuppa is “for snobs, not hipsters”, but we’re not convinced.

Nutella on a Spoon

A pop-up cafe popped up a few weeks ago flogging spoonfuls of desserts for $5 a pop. Flavours included Sinful Salted Caramel and Blissful Banoffee, although the most bewildering was a spoon dipped in everyone’s favourite chocolate hazelnut spread, Nutella.

These spoons caused quite a stir, with sweet-toothed punters taking to social media to show their dismay. “This isn’t cool. This is the biggest spoonful of s**t I’ve ever seen. $5. F*** me!,” a disgruntled bloke wrote on Facebook. To put it into perspective, $5 will get you a 500g tub of Nutella from the supermarket.

Are these spoonfuls actually hipster treats gone too far? Or is the whole thing a sweet gee-up?

Jafflechute

Imagine if you were strolling down the street, feeling good about yourself, only to cop a cheese toastie to the face. Well for a while there, that was a legitimate fear… or potential blessing, depending on how you look at it.

Jafflechutes, that is a toasted sandwich attached to a toasted sandwich-sized parachute, was Melbourne’s “first and only float-down eatery”. How’d it work? Hungry punters would pay via PayPal, select a time, stand on an X and wait for your jaffle to appear in the sky. Simple… and beautifully bonkers in all its hipster glory.

Vegan Deli

Smith & Deli is a vegan corner store and New York-style deli. Now, I know what you’re thinking – a vegan deli is kind of like pub without beer. And I couldn’t agree more. Where are the cold cuts and cheese, man?

But the very vocal vegan and hipster community go mad for this joint, so they must be doing something right…. right?

Avocado Latte

Take one emptied avo skin, fill with espresso and confidently sip as if you’ve been drinking avocado lattes for years… surely this is not a thing? And thank hipster Jesus, this was a good ol’ fashioned piss-take by the jokers at Truman Cafe in Albert Park.